I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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