We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Drunk is not a location!
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
