I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
