Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
