She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
