he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
