is your mom at the bar?
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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