Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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