Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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