During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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