if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
