I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
It all started with a game of naked twister.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
