my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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