We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
