Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
