Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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