hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
