At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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