I wanna bring you to show and tell
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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