She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
