I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
