There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
