My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
