My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
