He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
