I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
