You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
