I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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