i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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