I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
