why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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