my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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