tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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