Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
