I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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