why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
