I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
