i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
