I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
