if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
