You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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