is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
