just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
