I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
being pregnant is like rehab
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
