If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
