a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
