So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
