john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
