The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
