I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
