Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
