no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
